Shattered glass 

Nothing could have destroyed me more than giving it a name… I had lived with that pain for so many years, and thinking it was normal made me feel like I had to bare it. It was normal. Why would you cry about something every woman feels every month?

My hormones were complicated since my first period. It came when I was 10 and I had cramps since then. When I was about 14 it got worse, and then sex became painful (yes, I was young and having sex. I had lots of hormones going on and I was horny 24/7, get over it), something that made me feel so good started scaring me. Few years later I realized that it wasn’t always painful and I made my way around it. 

And then partial freedom was gone. In November, 2015 the cramps got worse. The first time, I didn’t know what was happening to me, had no strength on my legs to walk, felt desperate to pee (I had this feeling that peeing would relieve some of the pain), but couldn’t relax my muscles enough to let the urine run down. I spent about half an hour on that toilet seat, wishing to just die and feeling nauseous. 

With time, I realized that the aliens (how I’d call my period/cramps because it felt like some creature tearing through me and pushing down and out of me) were playing good cop and bad cop, so if my period was kinda ok, I’d spent the days waiting and preparing my mind for the next critical hit. I had kidney stones and they got nothing on endometriosis cramps. I’d beg for people around me to kill me, talk to god (I don’t have a religion) and ask why couldn’t I just die there, laying on the bathroom floor, shaking and crying. 

Even after all that, I didn’t want to ask a doctor about it. When I was 16 a doctor said “yeah, you’ll feel pain during sex” and didn’t ask for any exams, so I just assumed it was 100% normal. It wasn’t until the beginning of 2017 that I went to a new doctor that suspected endometriosis from day 1. Had lots of exams and there they were: one lesion in Each ovary. 

“You have endometriosis” and then everything changed. I started on the pills two days after and didn’t feel any horrible cramping until yesterday (it’s been a month and a week). But I have cried over this more than ever. Now I read stories I can relate to, now I can feel the meds taking over my mood and specially now I feel like I have the right to cry. I feel more fragile than ever and any discomfort gets me terrified that the pain will come back from the dead. 

It is winter here (south hemisphere) and every time it gets cold before I have time to roll up into a covers burrito, I can feel it there, threatening me with the possibility of getting worse. 

Now I have a question for whoever is out there, did you feel worse after you had your diagnosis? I’m not just talking about endometriosis, I am talking about anything. Did it make you feel paper thin? I know I am still picking up the pieces, risking cutting my feet on the sharp bits.

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